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A Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking…
Breaking with the realization that what I have recognized, and even warned others to avoid, has happened to me.  I have allowed “work” to consume me to the point that my relationship has suffered. I have allowed the voices of others to direct me rather than the voice of God.
Idol worship – putting something, anything, before God. Ouch
Listening to what others say as a way to confirm or question whether the path on today is where I need to be.  So wrong. So opposite of what God intends. Wise counselors yes, but people before Him- no.
It took this past week of … feeling so down I was having trouble looking up, to realize it. I couldn’t shake the (depression?) and having never been in such a place before I didn’t know what to do.
I kept (trying) to press into God but I didn’t hear anything but silence…or rather the words of people cascading around me.  Of course, it wasn’t words of encouragement but the ones of questioning, of doubt.
I kept trying to find truth – wondering, questioning, wanting to hear His truth in it.
The answer was always with me, something I teach and warn others about yet blindly had stumbled in – never recognizing it for what it was.
I had started to work my walk rather than walking my work…
My time with God had subtly shifted bringing me to Him for immediate needs or ministry.  My daily time with Him was more focused on “wants and needs” – all easily rationalized as it was directed on serving others, yet relationship was missing.
Yes, relationship.
Sitting at His feet enjoying intimate communion, not questions. I need His presence to overwhelm and empower me for life. For work. for being.
This morning I recognized that I need relationship first. Resting in Him, with Him- not thinking about the thousands we are, and need to reach outside my door. Not considering those we are mentoring to lead and help and empower.
All that will come in the overflow– it’s His concern and He takes care of it all as I spend time with Him.


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