The Weight of it All

If you read my last post you know that I am on a journey to improve my personal discipline.  I was feeling pretty confident when I posted Discipline in 21,  hoping it would encourage others to join me. (umm yeah sure…)
What I found instead is interesting.
Seriously, as soon as that blog went up my desire for sweets- any kind and any where, escalated to to an all time high.  I kept thinking….a craving lasts only 3 minutes, what can I do for 3 minutes other than searching for sweets?! That 3 minutes would pass with me remaining successfully sour, only to return far too soon for yet one more round. Ugh.
My exercise component was going a little more smoothly until Friday. An early day had me delay exercise, and a volley of excuses -namely that I was worn out, had me end the day minus exertion.
To top that off, last night while reading I turned over to the sound of a loud  “POP” and excruciating pain, Sure enough my hip dislocated.  Incredible eh? After pain, prayer, NSAIDs, and a few successful maneuvers it returned to its rightful place in much tenderness.  Not to be deterred- and bit bull-headed but gee whiz I AM healed after all, I ran this morning….
As I ran I was thinking of life, and discipline, and struggles…each step I took felt so weighted and heavy.  Like I was carrying an extra 100# on my back. It was all I could do is put one foot in front of the other.
Yet as I was thinking  I realized that my run physically felt as I have been mentally feeling whenever alone this past week.
Weighted, heavy, slow, despondent.
During my run I realized the problem. My personality blend (high D/I)  leaves me torn between needing to just “go for it”  and wanting/needing people to “do it with”.  (meaning life)
I think I need to be strong for- everyone, and am able to share my challenges only after they are finally overcome.
However, I wonder if this gives the misperception that I am (or think I am) super spiritual or something.  Totally NOT the case, in fact quite the opposite- I KNOW I can do nothing without Him.  My battles  are just like yours… incredible and  leaving me hanging by a thread as I wait to be rescued- my prayers answered. 
So here I stand remaining torn.  
What to share, what to expose.  I NEED to speak faith- not doubt.
Yet I also know I learn from reading and hearing about the challenges others overcome AND I  need an army of help/to help… and how  can they unless they “know”. 
So this discipline journey has many challenges and is causing me to look at more than I anticipated such as a need to be real and really share.  Share when there are needs that are unmet such as I am experiencing this month.  They are simple – prayer and finances, finances and prayer (Seriously, did she really SAY that?!)
Our (ministry) work this year has been incredibly successful due to a strong team with a heart for God.  Yet many of our personal lives have been wrought with challenges.. Challenges such as families losing jobs, deaths, and finances.
For me, all my personal communication avenues have crashed at different times this past year. My family has gone through difficult life changes as well as crisis. This experienced over an ocean away causes my heart to be tender and vulnerable wanting to be there to help.  Finally, the challenge of a tight monthly budget drooping further leaving me unable to meet my monthly bills this month not to mention repay airfare, glasses, or get my car repaired has led me to  call upon you.
Although I could get a “real job” that pays well, and fund other missionaries… for some reason God called me to be on this side of the ocean and doing that which I like the least- asking for help.   So, *gasp* could you?
No amount is too small, every $1, $5, $10, or $50 adds up to form a huge bouquet of blessings.  
To make a donation you can use paypal or send a check and remember: It may look like only dollars, but in reality its value equals lives touched and work that can continue because you invested.
Thanks for sticking with it and reading this super long blog, now why don’t you take one moment longer and share your thoughts?

3 thoughts on “The Weight of it All

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